You can’t win unless you learn how to lose
by scones-better
Summary: Cristina has always been very competitive but lately she keeps losing. Winning herself back might cost her everything. One shot. Cristina/Meredith


Title: You can't win unless you learn how to lose.

Author: scones_better

Rating: PG-13 (I think, if I'm wrong let me know)

Genre: Romance, light angst and fluff.

Pairing: Cristina/Meredith

Summary: Cristina has always been very competitive but lately she keeps losing. Winning herself back might cost her everything. One shot.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no money out of this. If Grey's Anatomy were mine, there would be a lot more gayness!

AN: This is my first fanfic to date but I'm only posting it now since it was a gif for my girlfriend and I didn't want her to find it before her birthday! Comments and criticism are quite welcome. This was meant has a short and sweet piece, I hope you will enjoy it! The lovely smileyfacesuper has beta-ed this piece, any mistakes left are fully my responsibility.

_You're the shrink right?_

_Yeah._

_Well you can't let her quit. _

_Let me guess. Cristina._

_She talks ab-...? Whatever. Hm. You can't let her quit, because I'm no longer allowed an opinion because I'm being supportive. So… you're my last hope! I mean it's your job to have an opinion, right? You're paid to have an opinion!?_

_That's right._

_Okay, so, hm… She lives her life on a 8. Her pain, on any given day, she lives on a 8. And he doesn't get that. I mean, he moves in and he expects her to- to move her roommates out, which goes to show how completely he doesn't get her, because she needs them! So you need to tell her not to move them out! I mean, it's not going to work out in the long runanyway, and she thinks that she's happy but she's not! And it's your job to tell her!_

_It must be incredibly painful for you, the idea of losing Meredith to Derek._

_You're a terrible shrink. _

***

Cristina was sitting on the couch in the living room reading a medical journal on a new heart cardiothoracic technique. Just because the chief said they wouldn't be specializing didn't mean she would turn her back on cardio. She'd die before she did that.

She put the paper on the coffee table in front of her, and then sighed.

The place still felt quite like Burke, even after she had painted the walls red. Even Callie's presence didn't quite change the vibe. It wasn't the furniture or the décor. It was more carnal then that. She could _smell_ him. He had lived here long before she joined him, and they say a smell can survive years after you've left a place. That's why she had jumped on Izzie's apartment ad, mistaking the proposal of sharing the place for a gesture of kindness. Izzie being, well… Izzie.

She had wanted to start fresh.

It didn't hurt much anymore, except on nights like these. When Meredith was with Derek and both were with Alex and Izzie. Callie had gotten herself a date that evening at Joe's. Knowing they were all happy, even if just for a moment and there she was, alone in all that… _Burke_. She had grown soft; even just a year ago, she wouldn't have been bothered by something as trivial as this.

Maybe Meredith would call or come over after a fight with Derek. He would have insisted that she kick Izzie and Alex out. She would have caved in, and then regret it and would come over here to share it all, whine and complain. Then there would be silence and sleep.

_It must be incredibly painful for you, the idea of losing Meredith to Derek._

Cristina groaned. That woman was so wrong. In fact, Cristina wasn't going to stay here, just in case Meredith needed her. She grabbed her leather coat and went out. She drove her motorcycle for a good hour. On her way back, she bought grapes. She practiced delicate sutures on them, and before going to bed, she checked her cell phone: she didn't have any messages.

She was _not_ disappointed. She wasn't.

She went to bed.

***

Cristina was at Meredith house. They were sitting in her bed, reading trough Ellis's journals. The book was pure gold. Meredith's mother was truly a brilliant and skilled surgeon, and her diary was filled with detailed notes, commentaries and diagrams. Reading even only a few pages would truly enrich any surgeon. Helping Meredith obtain closure by reading those journals with her was really a win-win situation for Cristina.

"I'll get us drinks!" Meredith got out of bed and out of the room. Cristina kept on reading.

"It's getting late. Don't you have something better to do?" Derek quipped, appearing in the doorway.

"Nope." Cristina didn't even raise her eyes.

"You've been with her all day"

"So have you"

"But I'm her boyfriend."

"And I'm her person"

"You are her _friend_"

Cristina stopped reading, irritated. "I'm her friend _and_ her person." Derek glared at her.

"Let's just make something clear. I will never cower. She might, they might but I won't. I'll always be there for her. Deal with it." Cristina spoke clearly, definitive in her tone, her gaze holding his, unwavering.

"Deal with what?" Meredith just came back, smiling and holding glasses.

"Your boyfriend was telling me we spend too much time together. I told him that's 'cause you need a little lady action in your life."

Meredith laughed that strange small laugh of hers, a cross between a giggle, a chuckle and actual laughter. She passed by Derek, gave a glass to Cristina and slid her now free arm around the Korean surgeon. Her hand ended up lying on Cristina's hip, a simple gesture of affection. Cristina didn't notice them much anymore, having accepted her friend's physicality.

"I do like my lady action" she joked and laughed again.

"Where were we?"

"Your mom was describing how to…" And they got back to reading. Cristina watched as Derek sighed and left the room. _Mcdreamy 0, Cristina 1_.

As the evening came to a close, Cristina still felt warmth on her hip where Meredith's hand had been. She growled at herself when her brain said _Shrink 1, Cristina 0_.

***

She hadn't kicked them out. Meredith hadn't kicked them out. Cristina smirked. That was the Meredith she had become friends with. A straight shooter: the surgeon who, on the first shift they worked together, had taken a surgery away from her. The woman who had launched herself onto Karev, pounding him with her tiny fist to make him shut up. The party girl who never said no to a shot of tequila. Or ten. Her best friend, who had kicked her ass so she would get down the aisle and get married instead of sabotaging her relationship like usual.

Not a whippy, whiny, softy girl who kept caving to her boyfriend because she was afraid to lose him.

Bent over her book, focused and meticulous; she would look like a rocking surgeon to anyone who saw her in the hospital's medical library. When she was cutting patient open in the OR, when she was solving medical mysteries, when she was working on trial surgeries, that truly was when Meredith looked the most alive and happy. No one ever noticed that. All they saw and talked about was how she was dark and twisty or how her whole social life had yet again gone down the crapper. She was truly skilled. She was better then Cristina, although no one would ever hear her admit it.

Meredith reached for another book on the table, and when her gaze met Cristina's, she smiled. Not a lot of people smiled at her. She was too stern, too sarcastic, and too ruthless for them. But Meredith smiled at her. She danced with her, she made her jog and she even yelled at her sometimes. She never made a big deal out of things. When she told her she was her person she didn't go all sappy mode on her. She used to take Cristina as she was, without concessions or conditions. She used to like her that way, _need_ her that way.

Meridith still did; yet she had asked her to be supportive. She wanted her to be a sort of Izzie that would tell her illusions about love, and lie to her about what she thought of her and McDreamy. In all other aspects, she accepted Cristina as is. The fact that she asked her to lie to her should be a sign that Meredith herself didn't believe she and Derek would last. He couldn't be all that for her. Oh, he was rife with sass, sarcasm and bitterness, but it was in that soft melancholic way, with long sorrowful glances, sad smiles and painful sighs. It was passive aggressive. It was pathetic. Meredith needed someone to shake her up, to push her out of bed when she was acting hopeless. She needed someone to wake her out of her stupor when her fears froze her in place. He could never do that: heck, he needed Cristina around so Meredith wouldn't freak out about everything all the time.

Cristina smirked once more. God did he hate that he needed her around so his girlfriend wouldn't run away.

_It must be incredibly painful for you, the idea of losing Meredith to Derek._

So not losing.

"Hey! I think I actually have a fair shot at this. I just found this book, pure gold. I'm so gonna win this one".

Cristina blinked. Oh. She had spoken out loud. She smirked at Meredith. "Forget it dirty ex-misstress! This medical convention pass is_ so _mine!"

"Hey!"

Thank god for surgeons' amazing reflexes. And like hell if she wasn't going to the medical convention with Dr. Hann.

Noticing she had considerably lost focus, Cristina grabbed a book on the table and plunged right back into her work.

_So_ not losing.

***

George. George O'Malley had won.

He won the pass to the medical convention with Dr. Hann. There went awesome information. There went meeting up with the best doctors, researchers and surgeons. There went bonding time with Dr. Hann, second best cardio to Dr. Burke.

Cristina needed a drink. Scratch that, she needed a one-on-one evening with a vodka bottle. Or two.

George freaking O'Malley, the weaker kid. The one no one would kick down, her included. George O'Malley had beaten her, straight and fair. It made it so much more painful. And that's why she was at the hospital at 3:30 in the morning, checking all the charts available. "Come on they can't possibly all be minor cases. I know we are 12th now, but seriously, this is an emergency!" Pass, pass, and pass. "Bingo!" Cristina really thought there was nothing better to start a day then with a surgery. And there was nothing better than a great surgery to make you forget that you lost to George O'Malley.

By the time Meredith and the others came in, Cristina was on a roll.

When the Chief took away the golden surgery she had found and had putted her in the clinic, she stood dumbfounded. That was so not happening. She was not losing again. It was too much. She didn't argue even thought she had wanted to. It wasn't the time for that.

In the locker room, at the end of their shift, Meredith started to talk to her about Shepard. _Again_.

"Meredith. Shut up."

Meredith did. Cristina felt a nudge and turned toward Meredith. The smaller surgeon was holding a vodka bottle and she was smiling at her. Cristina frowned and grabbed the bottle. "No talk about your love life or anything McDreamy related. Or George related." Meredith smiled at her even more.

Hours later, they were lying on Cristina's bed. The bottle stood empty on the side table. They had danced their freak out, watched medicals shows on TV mocking how inaccurate they where, and feasted on an insane amount of Chinese takeout. Cristina was surprised when she heard Meredith talk; she thought her friend had fallen asleep.

"You know, I know I'm a mess and I'm not exactly well placed to make any comments about this, but when you accept and admit that you have lost, you often end up winning more then you would have in the first place."

It was said in a soft, sleepy voice. Cristina blinked. Maybe it was the vodka, but she didn't roll her eyes at the comment. It made sense in a way that she never had expected it to. After all, her whole life had been about winning, and to admit that you could win in a loss had always sounded like a loser trying to validate himself, to lessen the blow, to make its second choice seem less pathetic. But things started to get together in her head; by losing her father at nine, him bleeding out, his heart stopping under her small hopeless hands had made her choose surgery as a vocation. By not being admitted in the number one hospital, Cristina had met a man that she could have spent the rest of her life with, had he not ran away. She had met people that she liked, no matter how hard it was for her to admit it.

But, most importantly she had met her person. Cristina felt Meredith shift in the bed. When her friend wrapped her upper body around her, Cristina's breath caught in her throat.

She looked down onto Meredith soft sleeping features; she really did hate losing.

***

Meredith was putting her hair up so she could put her scrub cap on neatly. Her neck was slender and short. It arched in as she dropped her head for a moment, curving delicately. That was for surgeries, the rest of the time she almost always let her hair down.

When she worked in the OR, Meredith's movements were without flourish. There were no unnecessary gestures. All her motions were calculated, deliberate. There were no room for waste of time or space. It was an amazing metamorphosis that happened daily. When she was nervous or panicked, her hands and head never stopped moving, going in all directions. Not to mention how clumsy she could be.

Meredith always shifted her head to the right when she was being emphatic to someone. It was her way to channel the person, as if bending in to listen better. She always shifted to the left when she didn't want to hear something.

She always stood straight in surgery as if she was a pillar in the room. Of course, she would bend over the working area, but even then her spine was straighter than an I. Yet she always slumped when sitting in the locker room, at the bar or at home.

No one ever noticed those things. Not on a conscious level. Okay, sometimes _he_ did. But the thing was, Cristina realized that not only was she noticing those things, she had been noticing them for a while. Part of it was expected; she always intently observed people. That was how she learned when she wasn't allowed to participate in surgeries. She would then practice on her own, mimicking as perfectly as possible what she had seen. But the problem wasn't so much that she noticed those things about Meredith. The problem was, she was now founding them beautiful.

It didn't interfere with her work, it didn't distract her, but she did stare longer and glace more often then she used to. If anyone noticed, no one mentioned it.

She started touching Meredith more often.

Nothing unprofessional, nothing inappropriate; small touches that looked like nothing − meant nothing. She would lean against Meredith more willingly. Let her hug her with less struggles on her part. Cristina's hand brushed against Meredith's when they exchanged things. She didn't think much of it. Not for a long time.

But now she was. Because Meredith was wearing one of her ratty plain shirts, and he hair were messy and she had no make up on. And Cristina could not stop staring. And it was not in the way friends look at each other.

She didn't know when she started to notice how beautiful Meredith was. But now she did.

Cristina was losing it. She promised not to think those thoughts _ever_ again.

***

Meredith was sitting next to her in the lockers room. They were both exhausted. The day had been a never-ending mess, problems fallowing each other, no breaks for anyone. Cristina didn't mind. It was challenging and exhilarating, and it made adrenaline pump trough her in a rush stronger and wilder then anything else she had experienced. What was exhausting was how they nearly lost most of their patients. Cristina was not sentimental. Losing a patient was losing as a surgeon. And although she'd never admit it, a tiny part of her also didn't want any of them to die because she, well, cared. Just a little.

But what hit her more than that shift, then all that stress and mess, Cristina was exhausted of being supportive. Some would think it easier to be supportive than to nearly lose a patient on the table: not her. It had been eating at her slowly the past few months. The more she had to do it, the less it seemed fair. She was losing pieces of herself, pieces of her relationship with Meredith. Each time she lied, a piece of their bond was chipped away. She was being rational about it. She knew exactly why she felt that way. But she had endured it for_ her_.

"Meredith. I can't. I can't be supportive anymore."

The petite woman looked up at her, silent. Too surprised to talk, it seemed.

"I can't be supportive because when you ask me to do that you ask me to stop being your person. I'm just another friend when you do that. But that's not what we are, we are each other's person and sometimes we say things the other doesn't want to hear because that's what we do. We look out for each other. If you want me to tone it down, I'm ready to do that. I can compromise. I learned that it's something important. And although I do believe I'm right about you and Derek, if you two prove me wrong, then I'll gladly lose. I might hate happy sappy people, but I think you deserve it. The whole happy ending crap. So don't ask me to be the person who lies to you about what she thinks. I compromised my values and ethics with Burke, I'm not ready to do that again."

Meredith still looked surprised as she always did when Cristina did share her feelings with her. She then nodded. "Okay… Okay."

They stayed next to each other, quiet. At that moment, Cristina could have sworn that she could see them both, old and grey haired, still close to each other, many years from now, Cristina cutting chicken for Meredith who could not find her glasses right under her nose. Two old ladies, caring for each other.

They both sighed in relief as they exited the building.

Today was awin. A nice change, Cristina thought.

***

Cristina wasn't born a realist. She had been a dreamer as a kid: reasonable, but dreamy. When her dad had died, bleeding out under her children hands, she had lost all illusions about life. She had lost her unrealistic, childish dreams, her trust in humanity and her faith. The doctor who had explained in great detail what had caused her father's death had fascinated her. Meeting that doctor had been the key moment that had changed her, and resulted in her slowly becoming the Cristina that everyone knew at Seattle's Grace: a logical, cold, smart and realistic surgeon.

Burke had brought back some of her childhood. He had made her feel like she could be that kind of person again. Involved girlfriend, bride and wife were titles that she had very early on thrown out of the window. They were _dreams_ for girls with no ambitions, with nothing better to look forward in life. They were illusions. For a brief moment, Burke had allowed her to be both a cold surgeon and a concerned lover. But he left, and reality had started to sink back in. There was no such thing as happily ever after. She did not get to scrub into surgeries and actually participate in them anymore. Burke even won one of the most prestigious prizes in their field without even mentioning that he had received help from someone. From her.

Cristina was therefore one of the most grounded person there was. In fact, some times she even sank in, becoming even more cynic and sarcastic then her usual self; "the dark place" as Meredith called it.

Cristina was a realistic yes, but also extremely lazy. She never was much in denial about her emotions, but she did post point dealing with them. For example, she was completely ignoring the fact that she had started to glance at Meredith in the locker room when they changed. Or that she was avoiding the hospital's commune showers at all cost. Or that the petite surgeon was the first person she thought of in the morning and the last thing on her mind when she felt asleep. And it had been all fine, but now she was in trouble. A warm, clothed body was lying next to her. The person was talking but she wasn't paying attention. Nothing unusual, most people would have thought, but Cristina knew better. She wasn't listening to the person because she was to busy looking at them. Their body was small and made of curves highly contrasting hers. Her eyes trailed up and down those tempting shapes. She could feel her hands trailing on those short legs, claiming those hips, digging in the small of their back and finding their way onto those perfectly sized…

"Crisitna! You are not even paying attention." Meredith frowned and pushed her hand on Cristina's shoulder, attempting a shove that obviously had little to no effect.

"Mcdreamy, yada yada, intimacy issues, yada yada, lack of communication. Meredith, there's nothing new there." Cristina rolled her eyes at her and turned around.

She had failed herself. She was not supposed to have those thoughts. In fact, they weren't thoughts anymore; they had become speculations, fantasies of herself touching her person. She hadn't dated anyone in a while, that had to be the reason. Meredith was clearly a beautiful woman; a list of many conquests could confirm that. And on top of that, she allowed Cristina physical contact.

"Cristina?" Silence.

"I'm sorry." Arms wrapped themselves around Cristina's waist and she felt like her heart had skipped a beat. While that was completely unrealistic, she now understood the saying much better. When had she crossed the line? When had she allowed herself such nonsense? She was clearly deep in shit. It wasn't a phase. It was not going to pass.

"I'm sorry" Cristina whispered. Silence.

Cristina didn't even ponder on the fact that she was having strong feelings for a woman. She loved beautiful, hot people, but what really attracted her to someone was their talent, their greatness. And while Meredith was not a top-notch cardio surgeon, she was a talented doctor, skilled in the OR, and ambitious; and when she wasn't losing herself in her issues, she was a brilliant human being. And that's all that really mattered to her. Some other girl might have freaked out, but not Cristina. She never had quite fallowed any social standards toward love or anything really, now was not going to be any different.

She covered the hand that Meredith had laid on her chest, closing her eyes. Ignoring this a little longer wouldn't do much more harm at this point.

***

"So. What's wrong with Meredith?" Cristina ignored Derek as she filled her chart. "Listen, I don't like asking you, but she isn't talking and she's been acting strange all week."

Cristina turned around to look at the neurosurgeon. "Well?" She glared at him. "I don't have to answer you."

"I'm your boss."

"This isn't surgical. If you have to ask, you clearly don't know her. You've been with her, what, two years? And you have known her for over five. Yet you still need to ask me those things. That's ridiculous." As Derek began ranting, she raised her hand to silence him. "If you love her like you claim to, I'm sure you'll find a way to deal with her. She shares things with me, and I'm not considered a nice person, so for someone like you this should be easy, no?" Cristina turned and left. A smiled spread on her face. She knew just why Meredith was being strange. She wasn't happy about her friend's pain. No, she was happy because she knew why and he didn't.

It was around that time that Meredith's mother had died, months ago. Meredith had nearly drowned and he didn't remember that. He'd nearly lost her and he couldn't recall the event. Meredith was not depressive, she was simply offbeat. And it would pass. Just like last year.

A week later, on a particularly slow morning, Bailey organized a competition. Cristina listened attentively as the Chief resident explained that most of them did not move fast enough. Today, she was holding a short race to time them, and then subject them to physical training depending on their scores. Cristina scored one of the best times, beaten by one of the new interns − "Two" − who, has it turned out, trained his cardio about four times a week, intensely. She tied with Alex, but her time had clearly surpassed Derek's. Meredith congratulated her. Then she kissed Derek, giving him his consolation prize.

They went at Joe's that evening. Cristina couldn't remember how they ended up like in that situation, but she found herself sitting in front of Derek. On the bar, between them, lay an army of vodka shots. There was a crowd cheering them on, but all she could see was Meredith's and Derek's faces. She raised another shot and he immediately grabbed one too. They downed them at the same time, but when he slammed his empty glass on the bar, he started to loose his balance and focus. When Cristina took another one, he tried to fallow suit, but ended up making a face and admitting his loss. Cristina jumped and did her signature victory dance. Meredith laughed, but then she hugged Derek and they left for the evening. Consolation prize.

That was when Cristina realized that while she was better then Derek for Meredith in every way (except surgeries; but she blamed the lack of years, not the lack of skills) and even thought she always won against him, she would always lose in the end. There was one thing she couldn't be for Meredith, and that _he_ could do. He was a man and she was not. And in the end, it was the only reason that he would always win over her, no matter how skilled or amazing she was.

She was doomed to lose by default.

***

Cristina had talked to Bailey in private. It had been time. She needed a change. She need more. She needed to win herself back. She knew it would cost her immensely, but it was better than wasting away in Seattle Grace. Bailey had been shocked and hurt, but after her initial pain, she had nodded in agreement, asking Cristina to really think it through. So, of course Cristina had read everything in detail and had researched all the documentation at great length.

She hadn't planned for Meredith to find the brochures so early. And now she was starting at her with confusion and disbelief.

"Cristina, what are those?"

Silence.

"Cristina! Tell me they are Callie's."

Silence.

"CRISTINA! I'm your person. How can you leave me behind like this? How can you do something like this?"

A bitter laugh escaped Cristina's half parted lips. "You really think everything is about you, don't you? The worst part is, for once you're right. Never mind that I'm stuck in a hospital that has dropped 10 spots. Never mind that Erica Hahn refuses to teach me. Never mind that I haven't scrubbed in on surgery in weeks. I'm finally moving because I lost the little that was left of me. Because… I can see us as old ladies living together. Because no matter how much better I am for you then he is, I still lose to him because I can't be a man for you. I can't. I fail no matter what. Do you know how awful that is for me? Do you know how exhausting it is? So yes, Meredith, I'm leaving. And the worst part is, when I looked at those brochures, all I wanted to do was to ask you to transfer with me, so we would both be in a better hospital, living together."

Meredith's face was frozen in surprise. "I− I don't understand. You're not making sense."

"You're so goddamn dense, Meredith Grey. I love you."

"I love you too."

"No, Meredith. I _love_ you. More than as my friend, more than as my person. I love _you_."

Meredith stood still, blinking. Cristina turned away, staring trough the window.

"Go."

Silence.

"GO!"

She was disappointed when she heard the door close. She wished Meredith hadn't chosen today to listen to her. Losing sucked and wining felt more and more bitter.

***

The day after Cristina admitted her feelings, Meredith started avoiding her. They barely crossed each other's paths, and when they actually were in the same room, Meredith stayed as far as possible. In the locker room, she received the silent treatment. It went on like that for many shifts.

Cristina was a fighter. She might have cornered Meredith in the locker room or at Joe's. But also, since she was a realist, it meant she had to admit defeat. In the past months she'd been stripped of everything: Burke, surgeries, a good hospital and her person. She had no fight left in her. She just had to suck it up until she could be transferred.

Then, one evening, as Cristina was leaving, Meredith walked by her side and stood next to her. They entered the elevator in silence. As the lights dinged from level to level, Cristina could feel the tension filling the small space.

"I… It's over with Derek."

Cristina turned toward the other doctor in surprise. Meredith pulled the stop button and turned toward Cristina.

"It's over with Derek because I spent the last three weeks ignoring you, and it was the most painful thing I ever did. Because if you are not there, there's no one left. I do love Derek but I can't be me with him. It's an ephemeral love. It only works as long as I keep the dark and crazy down. And I can be a happy person, I can, but I will never be cherry and optimistic and he can't take it. It's over with Derek because all I thought of for those three weeks was you. I skipped meals and cried in the shower. I didn't even do that for him when he left me for Addison. I didn't even feel like sex. And when we did it, I saw your face the whole time."

"Meredith… What are you saying exactly?"

"I want to transfer with you. I want to share a place with you. I love you. You are my friend, my family… My soul mate."

Silence.

"Cristina?"

She had longed for this moment for months. She had suppressed fantasies and thoughts to protect herself all that time. Cristina was not going to let this chance slip trough her fingers. So, before Meredith could change her mind and over think things like she usually did, Cristina slammed her against the wall, her lips crushing on the other woman's mouth. There was stillness on Meredith's part for a moment but soon Cristina felt arms wrap around her, hands pulling her hair, and a curvy body against her.

"I love you too." Meredith whispered.

At that moment, Cristina knew there was not going to be any freak-outs or backing-outs. She knew a promising future was unfolding before them.

"Shut up."

The words were spoken gently has she pulled Meredith firmly close to her, kissing her softly this time.

_It felt so good to win. _


End file.
